Saturday, June 5, 2010
I give up ,God, trying to fix my life, being angry at you, my dreams, not trusting you. I confess my pride, my control, my past, my idols, I give you my life and hand it to you. My life is so broken. Only you know the future. Only you will get me through. I'm heartbroken and I cry out to you, God. I surrender and... want you to have your way, not mine. I give you all that I am clinging to and realize that you will have your way with it all and my plan is nothing compared to yours. I'm ready to accept whatever that means, even if it means letting go of what I want the most, even though I don't want to.
I've lost sight of God's direction for my life. I've been tossing and turning unable to decide what is going on. There are no goals, no direction, no plan that stands out to me. My life has been consumed with pleasing others and following after what I want in my life and what I think I must have. I've been chasing it and I'm exhausted. I've been fixing things and picking up the pieces of the messes I've made and the messes others have made in my life. It is one catastrophe after another. I don't even know what God wants for my life anymore because I'm too busy fixing, fitting God's plan into mine, making sure everyone is pleased and things will go smoothly. I don't want to fail. I want control of my life and everyone and everything that happens in it. I'm afraid that if I let go, that everything will come crashing down. But, instead, my life has come crashing down and I've neglected to trust God with my life and everyone in it. I have tried hard to trust him, but when it came down to it, I really didn't and have a hard time even now trusting him. I'm scared to death. I'm scared of the future, of my life now, of how things turned out. So, what is God's plan for me? What does he want me to do. I've sinned by worrying and not trusting in him. By relying on my own prideful self. Obviously, my plan doesn't compare to God's at all. I've treated another as a God. I've spent life clinging, pleasing, relying, trusting, investing my time, thinking my life revolved around this person. In doing so, I've neglected God and his place as #1 and I've not let the person in my life live their own life. Picking up the pieces of my OWN life now and taking responsibility for my OWN life is much more difficult to me. It feels very alone to me, but also freeing, knowing that I don't have to carry that burden and was never meant to. I can make my own decisions and live my life the way that God wants me to live it and I don't have to make anyone fit into that plan. I also don't have to pick up the pieces or take responsibility for what is not mine. I am free to make choices and free to trust God with everyone and everything in my life. There will be things beyond my control, there will be bad things in my life, there will be things that are not right, and that is ok. I don't need to solve it. I can decide what I want to do, but not take control of what others what to do and be ok with that. I want to be happy, I want to be free, and I want to please God. Sometimes I feel lonely and powerless, but that is because I'm losing focus that God is with me.